I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
