If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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