Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
