Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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