i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
