And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
