Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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