I think I died a long time ago.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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