sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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