im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
