I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you will always have a special place in my vag
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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