They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
