I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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