after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
