my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
