Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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