when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
