Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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