I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
