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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
