oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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