Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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