I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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