there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
