Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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