I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
