and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
