you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
