I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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