Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
