I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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