I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
