I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have demons in me.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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