Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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