A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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