so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
