Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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