Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
