Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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