I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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