You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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