Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
