Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
