How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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