I think I won the penis lottery.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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