handjob tips. give me some.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
