how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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