you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the condom got lost in my hair
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
