I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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