Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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